I didn’t know whether I wanted to share these online. I didn’t like how compelled I felt to post on Instagram to mark the new year, or how not doing this ‘ins and outs’ trend made me feel like I was somehow neglecting my life. I asked myself how differently I might write out such intentions, if they were for no one’s eyes but mine, necessarily. Differently, somehow, certainly. But - despite my resistance - I quite enjoyed writing these ideas out (on paper initially). I appreciated the feeling and sight of initial blankness - until I had filled the page and could have gone on and on beyond this. There is so much in there, I know, when I stop being hasty and allow myself reflection. Here’s some of it.
OUT
Staying at parties later than I want to
Stuckness
Sinking Earth-time into scrolling
Going to sleep very late just because I don’t ‘have to’ get up
Staying silent when silence feels, viscerally, impossible - when it lives inside my stomach, gnawing away
Sustainedly imbalanced or upsetting relationships without dialogue
Not listening to internal ‘no’s
Conceiving of the internet as ultimate knowledge and arbiter
Being late for therapy
Undue distress for the sake of men’s comfort or enjoyment
Senseless pressure
Believing that nothing will change when everything will
IN
Commitments to care
Gender ambivalence
Accessing grief, sobbing as release
More stillness, more movement
Dates with friends, life plans with friends
Non-binary erotics
Living more in alignment with cycles, including my body’s
Intergenerational intimacy and envisioning queer parenting
Mutuality, liminality
Eating dinner with old and new friends together
Inviting inspiration
Expressing and evoking oceanic feelings
Reading/engaging with bisexual theory
Nesting despite impermanence
Culinary delights for one
Wishing you so many sweet things this year amidst the inevitable struggle. Thank you for being here! x